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It was not shocking or surprising when I read Boozie’s coverage of the Widespread Panic show arrests (aka Christmas for Orange Beach PD). I did have some serious deja vu from 2002 with Birmingham law enforcement’s “Operation Don’t Panic” where 200 people were arrested. Orange Beach PD are infamous for being hard-nosed, merciless law dogs that live to bust for anything and everything. Once upon a time in the long long ago, I thought I was going to be a chef and spent the summer before my senior year in high school doing my apprenticeship at Zeke’s. One of my memories from that experience (besides meeting Boudoir Soirees CEO Donna Bryant) was a four-lane roadblock on Gulf Beach Highway on the Fourth of July after I had worked a 12-13 hour shift. After waiting in line for an hour, I was then taken out of my vehicle, interrogated, and given a DUI test. At the end of the DUI test, I was asked to say the ABC’s backwards to which I replied, “Look, I just got off work, I’m tired, and I have to get back up in a few hours to go back to work. I cannot say my ABC’s backwards. So, just call my father, and he’ll come over here and get me out.” They let me go after that. So, I reiterate that the widespread (yeah, it’s a pun) drug arrests were not surprising.

What is shocking and surprising to me is that this didn’t happen the first time the Spreadheads invaded Orange Beach. I assumed that they would let everybody enjoy the show and set up roadblocks immediately afterwards. Since I am a betting man, I would have bet some serious money on this, and I was dumbfounded when they didn’t. I thought, “Well, maybe they used their financial sense to realize that the revenue generated from the show, The Wharf, the restaurants, the hotels, etc. overshadows the money they made busting a couple of hundred NON-VIOLENT offenders on minor possession and paraphernalia charges.” I guess I was wrong.

It is also shocking that The Wharf is kowtowing in this situation by reports from the local news saying that they are asking Widespread Panic not to return. I know that they must cooperate with local officials, but didn’t this three-day show put some money in the Orange Beach pockets? They may be using their smarty brains, word of things like this get around Stonerdom pretty fast, and they might see a lackluster turn-out at the box office if the have them back. At least we know that the next time Widespread decides to play the area, then it will be in the Port City, and the drive will be shorter.

I’ve been hearing about the Avett Brothers for a couple of years now, and all of a sudden male diva Perez Hilton is singing their praises. They have definitely come a long way from their obscure, underground existence and into the public eye. When I interviewed Bob Crawford of the Avett Brothers , I learned that they’re not letting all this newfound fame go to their head one bit as they prepare to hit the stage at Bonnaroo.

In the latest issue of the Nappie, we explained how the The Mitchell Center is making plans to blow their doors wide open with the Crocs Campus Tour featuring OneRepublic, Fabolous and Mobile’s own The Ugli Stick . The Ugli Stick earned their spot on this line-up when they stepped up to the plate with the Crocs Campus Tour Battle of the Bands and snatched the prize away from the competition courtesy of their legion of fans and their manager Kathy Kemp.  Front man Eric “The Birdman” Erdman has a poetic view of their upcoming performance.

“Playing the Mitchell Center will be special for me because I am a University of South Alabama Alumnus and this will be the first time I’ve had the opportunity to play there,” says Erdman. “It will be somewhat of a homecoming for me in that sense. I have watched many shows and events in that building, so I’m sure being on that stage for the first time will be surreal. And I’m going to love it. And lastly, I’m glad we won because we get to play with One Republic. And that means we can ask them if they can get us a discount on Timbaland producing the next Ugli Stick album.”

BamaJam is coming to Enterprise, and it could be the start of something big. The Wiregrass is an area where people have a passion for country music. I greatly admire their passion, because they are truly critics when it comes to the stuff. Sure, you have the trendy country music people who dig on Rascal Flatts and the mainstream pop country sound, but mostly, they’re very traditional lovers of the genre and call it like it is. When you drive by Cowboys in Dothan, don’t let its simple exterior fool you. It has served as a venue for country icons ranging from Hank Williams, Jr. to Merle Haggard. It is not surprising that this area of Alabama has caught the eye of such country artists as George Jones and Toby Keith, but it seemed like they couldn’t quite make up their mind what they want to do with the area.

I first began to hear various rumors about two years ago. One of the first to which I was privy was Jones’ plans to open a restaurant called “Possum Holler”and bringing in Toby Keith as a business partner, but it never seemed to come to fruition. The next thing that I heard was that George Jones was planning on buying up the “downtown” area of the quaint village of New Brockton, AL (just outside of Enterprise) as well as a ton of the surrounding property. It was said that it would be remodeled as a real-life Mayberry (seriously like The Andy Griffith Show) and serve as a backwoods, country version of the Seaside community on the Florida coast. However, our friends in New Brockton never got a call from Jones with a can’t-resist offer.

Just when I began thinking that this gossip was going to remain as such, BamaJam’s website featured an informative press release in their News section. As of March 10, it seems as if a country conglomerate headed by that has had its sights set on the Wiregrass has decided to create a “Nashville in Alabama,” and it will be located “near Dothan, AL.” Spearheading this idea is Ronnie Gilley (Ronnie Gilley Properties, LLC) and his business partner Kix Brooks (Brooks and Dunn). I have heard that there are other interests in the project that are extremely recognizable names in country music, but I have no way of confirming this.

So, what do Brooks and Gilley have planned for this new country music Mecca? They have expectations of this place being a neo-Branson. It will be a $300 million dollar complex featuring more venues than you can handle, hotels (including the Nashville Grand), possibly a theme park, a midway and an RV park. This duo has even recruited some of the designers behind theme parks such as EPCOT and Universal Studios for conceptual drawings. The restaurants come courtesy of some well-known country stars and will include Tracy Lawrence’s Barbecue and Opry House, John Anderson’s Seminole Wind Grill, The Worley Bird Cafe (Darryl Worley and (finally) the George Jones’ Possum Holler dinner theater (seating for 700-800). The local economy is already making predictions involving thousands of jobs an millions of dollars, and the name of this country music juggernaut, this new and improved Branson, this shining pearl that all other music meccas will bow effortlessly to will be (as of March 10, 2008):

“COUNTRY CROSSING!”

As BamaJam marks the possible beginning of something big in the Wiregrass, it will be nice to sit in the crotch of the state and watch from afar as this Nashville in Alabama gets on its feet. However, when it comes to this stuff, I won’t believe it till I see it. Remember the NASCAR race track in Saraland and all the hoopla over that? What happened to it? Remember the numerous theme parks that were SUPPOSED to be built around here? Hell, I’ve always heard the Port City urban legend that Walt Disney’s original and top choice for Disney World’s location was actually in Theodore, but the local politicians didn’t want to play ball (go fig). As of now, it sure seems like coastal Alabama is getting shown up by the Wiregrass.

This guide is a companion to the Lagniappe Music Issue. You can find the other side of this coin through these links:

Music Festival Guide
Changing Face of Bonnaroo

Introduction:

This summer, many of you will be traveling to Bonnaroo for the first time. I remember my first time making the drive to Manchester and the uncertainty of what to expect as far as food, camping, crowds, money, etc. I read the Bonnaroo website’s various suggestions, tips, and rules; and I also had various individuals explaining what to expect. However, the website only gives you one side of the coin, and most of the people I had giving me advice were getting their trip financed by mommy and daddy. After experiencing Bonnaroo, I can honestly say that I learned quite a bit, and I feel it is beneficial information that will help the average working jane and/or joe survive Bonnaroo while creating a useful game plan. I’ m sure I will miss something, so feel free to comment.

Money:

Don’t come broke. Money is something you don’t want to take lightly. Sure you may tell yourself that you want to go as cheap as possible, but don’t do it. The only thing cheap at Bonnaroo is the smoking accessories, which are a steal. If I have my way, then I take $500 just to spend at Bonnaroo. That’s excluding any money for travel and eating on the way there and back. $500 to spend exclusively at the festival. If you take that much, you’ll have a great time and no worries if you budget. I usually get there with a little under $400, and it works out. However, I always feel like if I had another $100-$150, then it would have been perfect. I can’t really formulate the least amount of money that you should bring, and I know for a fact that some people don’t go with any and spend the weekend bumming everything from drugs to food. I don’t care to be that person, and a majority of decent, productive members of society feel the same way. This is a guide for average working stiffs not Trustafarians and (to put it nicely) people with a more “communal” philosophy.

Clothing:

I suggest steering clear of sandals and flip-flops. Even my feet (which are like leather) didn’t last for more than a few hours at my first Bonnaroo. You will spend 90% of the time standing or walking. If you wear Chuck’s, buy some Dr. Scholl’s. Otherwise, take some extremely comfortable shoes made for walking or hiking. I don’t care how dorky it looks; it’ll be worth it.

After last year, I think that a bandanna is also a good idea. It gets extremely dusty if it doesn’t rain. A wet bandana draped across the mouth does wonders. Otherwise, you will get a good case of what we call the “Roo Flu” and spend a week coughing up the earth your lungs have ingested. While speaking of diseases native to the festival, you can also get a healthy case of leg chafe (Bonnarrhea), but baby powder can knock that shit out.

Take light clothing, and more than enough changes of clothes. It’s going to be hot, and it could rain (you’ll be praying for a daily shower). Wet clothes suck, especially at Bonnaroo. I would say take a poncho, but the heat is usually so intense that the last thing you’ll want to do is cover yourself in plastic.

Take a backpack and carry anything that you think you would need at all times like rain ponchos, hats, snacks, water, etc. Take a hat. Shade yourself from the sun.

Water:

When it comes to water, think of Bonnaroo like Frank Herbert’s sci-fi epic Dune. Water is your best friend. Stay hydrated, and don’t rely on the water stations. More than likely, you will be getting messed up on some sort of exotic chemical, so make sure you stay hydrated. “Camelbacks” are awesome for Bonnaroo.

Some of the water at the water stations is potable and will do the trick, but it’s not very tasty. Take way more than what is needed. You can use an ol’ shrimping trick and freeze quart milk jugs. That way, you can keep your groceries cold and eventually drink the water found within. One to two cases of water per person is usually enough. We did two per person at Roo 03, and we had enough to bathe with in the end. We’ll talk about the bathing later. I can’t say enough how much you need to stay hydrated by water not beer and soft drinks exclusively.

Driving and Parking:

As far as Roo is concerned, we are very lucky to have our geographic location. As far as the State Patrol is concerned, Alabama’s boys in blue seem to treat it as any other weekend, so drive as such. As far as Tennessee is concerned, you have to understand that this festival is pouring millions into the local economy. Every exit from the state line to the Roo Exit will benefit from the Roo community. So, the multitude of rock slaves making their way into their community is a welcome sight. It is rare that you will encounter a cop that will give you the “We don’t like you long-haired hippy types ’round here” attitude. However, the last day and day after the festival is a different story. The police presence is definitely seen as they are ready to get the “long-haired hippy types” out of their part of the country.

One point of interest that you might need to keep in mind is the exit found right before (or maybe two exits before) the Roo exit. On this exit, there is a HUGE obnoxious gas station, a Ruby Tuesday’s (this will look like Ruth’s Chris when Roo is finished with you) , and a Super Wal-Mart for picking up last minute supplies. STAY AWAY FROM THE SHONEY’S IN BETWEEN ROO AND THE ALABAMA STATE LINE. I know I probably don’t have to say this. Sometimes, nostalgia kicks in, and we’re reminded of when Shoney’s had the kick-ass breakfast buffet. Last year, I watched a woman scrape eggs off of a yellow cube resting in a plastic bin straight into the chafing dish. You’ve abused your body for three days; give it a break.

The path into Roo has improved greatly since my first experience. One thing is for certain: GAS UP BEFORE YOU GET THERE. This serves two purposes. 1. You don’t have to worry about running out of gas getting to your camp spot. 2. You ESPECIALLY don’t have to worry about running out of gas on the way out. This is a big problem, and you don’t want to be one of the people contributing to it. EXPECT A WAIT GOING IN. In 2003, you got into the festival grounds by pulling straight off the interstate onto a two-car wide strip of impromptu asphalt which led through a barbed wire cattle fence. We waited 8 hours on the interstate to get in. These days, they have you pull off the interstate ramp and Manchester’s finest guide you down a couple of side roads into the festival grounds. Don’t expect a roadblock coming in. In fact, the police are all smiles and salutations. Remember, you are contributing to the local economy. If you are geographically savvy, then this tip is for you. Try and get off on the exit before and navigate yourself through Manchester proper, so that you will position yourself getting in line on the overpass instead of getting in line on the interstate. If you are with a caravan, the cops are usually very helpful in keeping your group together, so don’t be pushy and ask nicely as you come to intersections. As you make your way in, there are a few pieces of private property (ie. people’s houses) that you can park and camp on, but I feel that you absolutely won’t get a full appreciation for the experience unless you do the camping thing. The later you get there, the father away from the music you will be. The positive aspect of this is that you’re farther away from the crowds. The negative is that it’s a long walk.

Security going into the grounds is a common sense thing. Make sure to tell them if you are with a caravan, so you can stay together. If you roll down your windows to hand them your tickets and your car belches pot smoke, then they will search you. If you have ANY kind of glass whatsoever, they WILL take it from you without any qualms about it. They always want to look in the trunk and any coolers they find. There are always brown mountains of full beer bottles resting at the security point. So, don’t take any glass. Bring cans unless you want your beer taken, and stash any illegal substances. They are officially not allowed. Don’t try and convince yourself that you are too slick for security. They will confiscate with extreme prejudice.

Once onto the property, take it slow, and stay in line. Don’t be a dick. You’re not the only person who has driven and waited in line all day. Once we enter the grounds, a case of cold beer is usually opened, and we start downing them as fast as possible.

Camping:

You are definitely roughing it at Bonnaroo. After parking, you will be given approximately 10-15 foot by 10-15 foot to set up camp. It’s always best to go with a caravan and park together. That way you have your own little Roo community. This is once again a “Don’t be a Dick” situation. Don’t be pushy and overstep your camping boundaries. Be a kind member of the Tent City community. That includes keeping your camp clean. At the gate, they will provide you with more than enough bags to throw away all trash.

Bring a tent to sleep in and a dining tent or tarp of some sort to escape the sun. I found a cheap-ass dining tent for like $20 at Academy. As long as it blocks the sun, you’ll be OK. Make sure that you take the hardcore tent stakes (spikes with the green at the top). You will probably have to buy them, but it’s worth the money. The ground there is very hard, and the tin-foil spikes that come with your tent will not work.

You can also find battery powered fans at Academy and good ol’ Wal-Mart that are inexpensive. They come in handy at night. There’s no need to bring an alarm clock. The heat will wake you up around 8 or 9 am daily unless you’re totally wasted (we’ll get to that later as well) . Probably one of the greatest things you can take to Bonnaroo is the small rolls of “Camping Toilet Paper.”

These are small rolls of toilet paper encased in a plastic dispenser. They are compact and convenient in many ways. The port-o-lets go really are tolerable, especially early in the morning or late at night. I can’t convince people, but I assure you that they are on par with the NoLa Jazz Fest, which I’ve found to be satisfactory. A septic tank truck circulates 24 hours a day cleaning them, and they usually leave TP. However, that doesn’t last long, and you sure as hell better be safe than sorry when it comes to healthy bowel movements, which you will definitely have hopefully more than once. There are a million other uses for the camping TP, and you will be glad you took it. Take it with you everywhere.

When you leave, lock anything of worth in your trunk or car. Don’t leave it in the tent. Outlaws will take a knife to your nylon tent in a heartbeat and take anything found within. Also, establish landmarks to find your way back. Don’t rely on other people’s flags. Choose the balloons, buildings, trees, etc. to find your way back. They have streets laid out, but that gets sketchy late at night.

Most important, make friends with your neighbors. Our first year, our neighbors were seasoned Spreadheads. They were very friendly and ecstatic to trade a couple of burgers they were grilling for some of our Kraft singles. We had our most memorable neighbors our second year at Bonnaroo. They were Manchester natives, and we spent every night laughing our asses off and had a great time. Neighbors will make good company and look out for your campsite when they’re there. You should do the same.

I think it’s time we cover bathing. I bathed the first year I was there. We even figured out a better way of doing it in comparison to waiting in line at the water stations. Take a five-gallon bucket and fill it with water. If you’re not into going natural, then put on your underwear or a bathing suit. Place one foot in the bucket and wet yourself down from head to toe. Apply soap and shampoo and scrub. After you’re done, rinse with the water remaining in the bucket. If you have spare water, then use it. This made-do and was a lot more thorough and comfortable than the water station.

There is the other alternative: don’t bathe. This is what I’ve done the past two times. I’m sure that people go to Roo with the hope of hooking up, but it’s not one of my concerns not only because I’m married but also because most people aren’t bathing. I’m even one of those people who are usually compulsive about a daily bath. I change underwear and clothes, but I don’t bathe at Bonnaroo except for washing my hands, arms, and face. I usually do a mediocre whore’s bath before I leave, but I decided last year that even this isn’t worth it. Trust me, once you see the other people there, you’ll understand that the way you look and smell is irrelevant. Plus, it’s always fun to see the look on the waitresses face at the first restaurant you stop at on the way home.

Food:

This became a subject of debate with my traveling companions and I after the first Roo we went to. Sure, you can save money by buying groceries before you go (you definitely don’t want to have to buy groceries there because of the prices), but you spend almost as much if not a tiny bit more eating food there than you do when you bring it with you. You just have to be careful with the food you buy. You want to steer clear of all the big-time concession stands. The lot kids usually have pretty good stuff. You can find fajitas, burritos and sandwiches of all types for a very inexpensive price. There will also be several lot kids with “the best grilled cheese at Bonnaroo.” You’ll spend $8 or less on most of this stuff. The best we had were called “Jerry Rolls.” These were HUGE homemade egg-rolls topped with homemade duck sauce and just up the road from the tent. They were a godsend and delectable. The closer you get to the concert area, the more expensive it will be. Be prepared to pay out the ass for any kind of food in the concert area. Be charitable, and support the local community organizations selling their wares.

Shopping:

As stated before, if you are into tobacco accessories, then Roo is the place for you. You will find the best deals on pipes, bongs, papers, etc. There is also an endless supply of eclectic outer wear both manufactured and homemade. Don’t expect to find much merchandise cheap. Shakedown St. is the epicenter of commerce in Tent City. You can’t miss it. You can find everything from vendors to tents that give away a free alcoholic beverage with the purchase of a $5 cup. The best cup seller is called “Don Juan’s.” It is a large tent with AC, plush rugs, comfy couches and nightly entertainment that is guaranteed to at least be unique. As far as Bonnaroo t-shirts go, you can do the honest thing and buy Bonnaroo endorsed merch, or you can buy from independent shirt makers. If you do take this route, wait until the last night to purchase them. They’ll be $30 on Friday and two for $10 on Sunday night. It may seem like these ragtag vendors disappear, and thoughts of not getting a shirt may set in. However, they’ll be all over the place with shirts wet with dye as the last band of Roo finishes their set. I have also heard Roo-ban legends concerning strip clubs and even brothels in tents somewhere in Tent City, but I have never found any evidence.

Drugs:

Let me begin this section by saying that illegal substances are not allowed at Bonnaroo. If you are caught by security (especially going in) with them, then they will take them. I guarantee this. Now that we have that out of the way, many people view Roo as the National Narcotic Trade Show, and I can’t argue with them. The big thing last year was “Diesel Bud.” You could find everything from shirts to posters dedicated to this strain of marijuana. There was even a guy selling air-tight magnetic boxes that would fit under your car, so you could “take home all your stuff from Bonnaroo.” You can find any kind of chemical stimulant both natural and man-made at Roo. Most of the time, you don’t even have to leave your camp. Everything is usually fairly priced or a better price than you would get at him. I noticed that at my first Roo the trade was overlooked in Tent City, and you would usually walk back to camp with a steady mantra of “nugs, Mollies, pharmies, opium, etc.” echoing in your ears and people with four foot bongs on the roadside toking away. This has changed greatly over the years, and the peddlers have gotten more low-key. One thing to keep in mind is that some parts of Tent City are divided by a public road. That means the cops can pick you up on this road if you are doing anything illegal.

Another thing to keep in mind is that you don’t want to get too wasted. Sure, it’s good to have an “experience,” but you’re an idiot if you go to Bonnaroo just to get messed up at your camp the whole time. First, you could O.D., and second, you want to actually go watch the bands. It’s silly to spend the money to go and spend three or four days getting trashed in a third-world environment when you can do that just as easily as home. One year, we were camped next four young people fresh out of high school. They spent all three days exclusively at their camp ingesting everything they could get their hands on. At the rate they were going, we got paranoid because we thought a couple of them would be dead when we returned, but they never left the camp. I see that as such a waste.

Concert Survival:

Security will search you thoroughly going through the gate. Anything they find (from drugs to booze) will be confiscated. You can take water in, and I suggest that you do. Use is sparingly to make it last unless you want to pay out the ass for water. Those little spray bottles filled with ice (it will melt) with the fans on them are also quite useful and will make you the hit of the crowd. If you want to go to the bathroom as little as possible, sip your water only when you absolutely have to have it. This will keep your body working and allow total use of liquid without waste.

If you smoke cigarettes, then make sure that you visit American Spirit’s Smoker’s Lounge. By getting on their mailing list, they will provide you with several packs of their smokes to try for free. We visited every day.

You will not be able to experience every single band, and many will be playing while you’re checking out another band. Set your priorities, and try to see something new. There have been many bands that have played in the past, and now I’m like, “Damn! I wish I would’ve seen them.” The Sonic Stage is great, and you can catch several big names doing Q&A before signing CD’s beside the stage.

The stage crowds have been very cordial in the past. You rarely have to worry about an extremely intense final push before the band starts. We only had one bad experience with a group of preppie Canadians. We knew they were Canadian because all they could talk about with each other was how they were Canadian. One was pushing another into us, and we were being very patient with them. Finally, the one being pushed reprimanded the pusher as the five of us were turning around to verbally confront them. I have never been in a fight at Roo and have only witnessed two very minor scuffles that were diffused quickly.

If you are one of those who are psycho about being as close to the stage as possible, it is not out of the question. It seems like the way they schedule the band on the main stage is by having a really big name play followed by someone less popular. While the less popular band is playing, another big name is playing somewhere, so the crowd dissipates. That’s when you have your chance to move up. At Roo 04, it was every person for themselves, and we camped at the front to see The Dead and James Brown up close and personal. It was totally worth it.

The newest thing that have instituted as of 07 (I think) is what I heard some call the “European” venue style (correct me if I’m wrong). You wait in line to get at the very front for the band you want to see. When they are finished, everyone in the section is ushered out and the next group of fans moves up. For The Police, we waited in line from the beginning of the day until 8 or 9 pm when they went on. It was totally worth the wait, but you have to understand that people will try to skip and bum off of you as much as possible. That gets really annoying, and you have to be on your game and tell them to get behind you.

Leaving:

You have your choice. You can either pack up during the day on Sunday and leave after the last band or wait until morning. The line may seem long on Sunday night, but it will die down eventually. The cops will be out, so watch your speed and don’t act a fool. The first thing you need to do is bag up your trash and throw it away. While easing through the tents onto one of the thoroughfares, have one or two people walk a few feet in front of the car to check the ground. The last thing you want is to have a forgotten tent spike pushed through your tire. By Sunday night, you will have had your fill, so take precautions to make sure your stay won’t be any longer that it has too. Use the “Don’t Be a Dick” technique leaving, and in a little while, you will have completed your Roo experience.

A few weeks ago, my wife and I journeyed to her hometown of Ozark, Alabama (fondly referred to as Oz) for the celebration of one of her closest friend’s birthdays. It is through Justin and Maghen (Ivy’s friend and her husband) that we met an individual by the name of Steve Etheridge. One thing that I admire about this gentleman is his social commentaries. His most recent battle has been with the phone company over their unwillingness not to accept a perfectly good check to pay his monthly bill. The conversation ended with AT&T ended with him declaring, “If 20 years go by and you still won’t take a check from me, then I’ll owe you money 20 years from now.” Believe me, he wasn’t lying, and he will stick by that promise.

On this visit to this agrarian utopia, we were listening to some seasoned Merle Haggard on a CD. Lo and behold, the music began to skip and spasm to the point that the disc had to be changed. Steve began to go off on how he’s ready for CD’s to play out.

“These goddamn CD’s ain’t ever been worth a shit,” his freshly opened beer funneled down his throat. “You can buy a CD and put it in a velvet case and never touch the damn thing for years and take it out and put it in a CD player, and the damn thing’ll skip!” He went on to explain that anytime he turns up his stereo the slightest bit, whatever CD he’s playing starts jumping. Great lengths were taken for this to be prevented by Steve cushioning his receiver with pillows and cushions, but the problem continued much to his anger.

Compacts discs have been something I’ve preached against since the beginning. The prices were (and still are) outrageous and the whole promise of “the clearest recording in the world” thing didn’t really turn my head. I only stopped buying cassettes when I had to, and after I felt like one of those “8-Tracks were awesome” guys, which I’ll probably look like after you get to the end. Before I purchased my first CD (White Zombie “La Sexorcisto: Devil Music, Vol. 1″), I had already experienced the skip phenomenon as well as witnessed many CD’s that had met their demised after being dropped one time. I liked cassettes. Sure they wore out after five or six years if you listened to the entire thing four or five times a day, but you could drop them, crack them, throw them, whatever and still have the music intact. You could even take the damn things apart and fix them when you had to. When I bought the Vomit Spots’ “Tone Def” at the Sound Shop in Bel-Air Mall, the tape had been spindled backwards. Know what I did? I took it apart and rewound it. Viola!

The more I look at the history of CD’s, the more I think it was a huge money making scam. We started out with records. They skipped if they got scratched, and got scratchy when they wore out. Then, 8-Tracks entered the picture for a little while. They were world’s better than records, but it never really caught on kind of like the whole recordable Mini-Disc thing in the late 90s. Cassettes rule the 80s and part of the 90s until people went crazy for CD’s, which was nothing but a throwback to records except worse.

At least with a record, one could jump over the scratches, and I even remember having records a a kid that were cracked that could still be enjoyed. Why didn’t the industry make it so you never have to physically touch the actual CD whatsoever? “Impossible,” you say? I remember the video laser discs that came out in between Beta and VHS. These were album-size laser disc in a PROTECTIVE plastic sleeve. You slipped the the plastic sleeve in, the disc came out and played, and then you got it out by slipping the plastic sleeve back in the player. CD’s could have been done the same way and still maintain their compact nature, but that would have been too nice and innovative. You scratch or crack a CD, then it’s over. So, what do you have to do if you want another one? Well, you shill out the money and buy another one, which leads me to my next point.

The price of CD’s were bloody outrageous with new released going for $15-$20. Those prices haven’t changed much over the years, and it was even more disheartening when it came out that it was only costing $1 to produce one. ONE DOLLAR! I’m sure that price has gone down to pennies. Sometimes, you can go to Dollar General and pick up a spindle of twenty blank CD’s for less than $10. I thought it was quite amusing when the industry responded with, “Well, since you found out we’ve been ripping you off, we’ll drop the price a couple of bucks.” So, you know the industry has the hook-up industrially speaking. You do the math. Why has the music industry thrived so over the past decade? Maybe because you have to buy three or four copies of the same CD over the years because they would ruin a the drop of a hat (or CD).

That’s why I think sometimes that the piracy issue gets the industry’s goat so much. I don’t think that really all concerned about the legality of it. That’s a “Pot Calling the Kettle Black” situation. I think it’s for the sole fact that the consumers that they have been duping for years now is finally getting back at them. All that bad karma over the years is finally coming back on them, and con men get pretty pissed when the joke’s on them.

I’m still waiting to shape my final opinion on the whole digital music experience with all its iPods and Zunes. I like the aspect that you can transmit the music over a car stereo. However, with the experience that I’ve had with computers, I could just see some bug or glitch wiping out an entire library of music, but just like CD’s, I guess I’ll have to give into the trend sometime in the near future.

I didn’t know what to expect from Michael Travis of EOTO (and String Cheese Incident). Let’s just say I was pleasantly surprised. I look at EOTO like I look at rap groups like The Roots who decide that maybe it’s more impressive to create your own back-up music instead of manipulating someone else’s music. It was also my found Travis to quite an intellectual person when it comes to the genre that he and Jason Hann are pioneering. Read it here:

http://lagniappemobile.com/article/1382

As set forth in the first installment of the “Music Industry Beast,” I find that the modern music business is driven by an illusion vs. reality ideology. I don’t have to say that the industry creates an image for some bands. Probably one of the most loathsome, first-hand experiences that I’ve had concerning this ideology involved Dimmu Borgir and Ozzfest 2004 in Tampa. While I was writing/editing for a national tour zine, we were commissioned to publish one of many “official” tour zines for Ozzfest. One of my assignments was to interview Dimmu Borgir guitarist Silenoz (aka Sven Atle Kopperud). For those who aren’t familiar with Dimmu, they are an extremely popular band of the new generation of “Scandinavian Black Metal.” In order to understand my tale better, I guess I need to provide a crash-course concerning the nature of Scandinavian black metal, and for this, I’ll have to go around my elbow to get to my asshole to make this blog affective. Please, be patient.

Do you remember the Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s? A lot of people don’t because it ended up being so silly that it got swept under the rug very neatly. I consider a chilled-out version of Salem Witch Trials. Finding its roots in the late 70s, this was a time when legions of people were coming forward with stories of ritual abuse including sacrificial breeding and indescribable horrors involving an extensive, underground network of Satanists. Supposed back-masking on metal records were said to be brainwashing innocent youth across the country with infamous messages from Lucifer himself. It was a time when if a majority of your wardrobe was black, then you were labeled a Satanist. Geraldo even had a two-hour special dedicated to uncovering the Satanists. In Mobile, a place called “Stonehouse” (an old dairy on Halls Mill Rd.) was classified as an underground Satanic church and even made the front page of the Press Register. Evangelist Bob Larson ruled Power 88 and provided metal fans with interviews from icons such as Deicide bassist/vocalist Glen Benton, who usually answered questions in a humorous demonic voice. When the brimstone and sulfur cleared, there was not one incident of ritual abuse proven. Stonehouse ended being nothing more than a place for local teenagers to drink whatever flavor schnapps they stole from their parents and smoke marijuana. Satanic back-masking was found on many records was all in the minds of the people “exposing” it, and Larson antagonized Slayer so much that they admitted that their Satanic image was nothing more than an image just so he would leave them alone. However, in Norway it was a different story.

Even though the incidents in Norway weren’t as dramatic as the Satanic Panic in America, they were still quite bizarre. “True” black metal band members and fans claim Satan and/or Odin as their lord and master and call for the ultimate end to the Christian church. They compose music singing their masters’ praises and setting forth the philosophies of what many fans call true black metal. While Larson was inadvertently promoting metal in America, there was a rash of church burnings instigated by black metal bands and fans who found that the churches were erected on sites considered holy to the follows of Odinism. Probably the most dramatic incident in Scandinavian black metal was the suicide of Mayhem vocalist Dead. When fellow band mate Euronymous found his body with slit wrists and a shotgun blast to the head, he took pictures for future album cover art. Legend has it that he then ate part of his brain in a stew and made a necklace out of Dead’s skull fragments. Other pieces of the skulls were supposedly sent to various black metal bands. Euronymous met his demise later when fellow band member Count Grishnackh (aka Varg Virkenes) stabbed him 23 times “in self-defense.” These are condensed versions of these incidents, and I’m sure there many more. Obviously, this is a metal genre that focuses on the destruction of the Christian Church, murder and the coming of Ragnarok. These modern black metal musicians and disciples consider themselves the children of the gods of Asgard and in alliance with Satan.

So, when it came time to interview Silenoz, I was very excited. I have always enjoyed interviewing enigmatic musicians. He and his band mates are ominous characters donning the trademark black metal corpse paint to compliment the leather clothing covered in metal spikes, and I figured that I would get a firsthand account of the Scandinavian black metal scene from a member of one of its leading bands. I would be calling Silenoz in Berlin, where Dimmu was busy getting ready for Ozzfest. With the good folks at Lagniappe, they are more than gracious to pick up the bill when I have to call overseas. However, Volume would expect me to pick up the bill for this call, but I felt it was totally worth it in order to get a first-hand account from a band that many fans and critics were calling true black metal. I expected all the dramatics and demonic voices of the Bob Larson days. I assumed that this neo-black metal god would pour out the word of Odin and entertain me with quotes from the Necronomicon.

I got around the expected small talk that is expected in interviews. Then, I got to the real questions. Since Dimmu is considered a true black metal band, I asked him to define the term.

“You can’t really put a label on that,” said Silenoz. “Obviously, only the bands themselves know if they’re doing this for the heart or for different reasons. That’s a pretty narrow-minded way to put a label on things, but I understand what they mean about it. Bands like Darkthrone and Mayhem that sound more unpolished, so to speak. I guess that’s what they mean.” I had to have more dealing with the philosophy behind the genre. I wanted him to come out and say, “Hail Satan! Praise Odin! Death to the Christian church” and so forth. So, I hit him with the next question that dealt with whether black metal still focused on Satan and Odin and all the ideas that led to murder and the destruction of churches in Scandinavia.

“Well, I think the major part of the philosophies are still there, but it has matured a lot since the early 90s,” explained Silenoz. “People have grown up and are more focused on the musical aspect. I think that’s what was good about it all, because all the non-musical aspects got us on the map.” Since he insinuated that the violent beginnings of black metal were a sign of immaturity, I also asked him whether some of his black metal brothers who carried out some of “non-musical” actions would be welcomed back into the scene, and Silenoz stated that he was looking forward to seeing Jon Nodtveidt of the Swedish band Dissection perform now that he free from serving time after murder an Algerian in 97.

After the interview, I found myself confused. I’ve known tons of serious metalheads in my lifetime. These people aren’t fans; they are serious connoisseurs of the genre. They don’t like being fucked with when it comes to their bands. From reading up on Dimmu, I have found that there is a serious debate between metalheads on whether they are true black metal or not. There are arguments in various message boards online where fans debate whether they are allied with Satan or if it’s just an image. As time passed, Dimmu became more elusive to me.

After the issue came out, I was given the chance to attend Ozzfest in Tampa and interview a few of the bands. Since most of my interviews are phoners, I was raring to get on the road, especially since one of the bands would be Dimmu. I would have a chance to talk to them off-record. So, me and my partner in crime Keith loaded up and hit the road after I got off of work. It was a grueling trip that was accented by the various chemicals we were ingesting in order to stay awake throughout the night. We drove overnight and arrived at the Tampa Bay Amphitheater just in time for the festival to start. Meanwhile, Hurricane Frances had Tampa in its sights, but it was three days out. Being that it was three days out, we knew the weather would be absolutely beautiful for the festival and the drive home. After going through the bullshit involved with getting credentials and being refused entry with a tape recorder even though I had a press pass, I called Dimmu’s road manager, who was a European and had an accent that was a strange mish-mash of the Queen’s English and German, and was anxious to get backstage and meet the guys. What came next was one of the biggest disappointments of my life and will remain one of the many reasons (there were other things that happened on this trip) that lead me to believe that if the world needed an enema, they would stick the pipe in Tampa.

The road manager explained that these lords of thunder, these disciples of Odin and Satan, these Norse storm gods in human form were apprehensive of Hurricane Frances (still three days out). I explained that I had driven eight hours overnight with the sole purpose of interviewing the members in person and that it had been a bitch getting through the gate. This merciless piece of Euro trash then jumped my case and said that he had been busy trying to book a flight back to Europe and cancelling the rest of their tour all because a hurricane was three days out. I assumed that these guys would get off standing on the beach calling for the protection of the old Norse gods while the hell they praised broke loose all around them. Personally, I have never evacuated for a hurricane, and I know hundreds if not thousands of people who don’t. Hell, people sometimes head down here to ride out a hurricane.

I never looked into or gave a shit whether they were actually flying all the way back to their homeland or not. Like I keep telling you, the industry is full of shit. This could’ve have been some line the road manager was feeding me. I was tired, strung-out, pissed, and disappointed that these hulking metal icons had not lived up to my expectations as well as their thousands of fans who saw these guys as mythically evil godheads. After reading all the stories of blood and death, it was almost like a kid who finally figures out that wrestling is fake, but time opened up more mysteries to me involving this band.

Remember Silenoz talking about Jon Nodtveidt from Dissection? Two years after his release, he was found dead of an apparent suicide with a “Satanic grimoire” found resting on his chest. Now as for Dimmu, they recently recruited former Mayhem drummer Hellhammer (aka Jan Axel Bromberg). Hellhammer was quoted heavily in an excellent book about black metal called “Lords of Chaos.” Is Dimmu getting back to those black metal roots that made the genre so infamous, or were the roots always there? I think that Dimmu really is doing the smart thing by allowing their music to make them legendary. Otherwise, it seems the only way to make your name in black metal is through a horrific, senseless murder with time served or a disgusting suicide. For Dimmu’s sake, I guess it’s a good thing that they’re not choosing the latter. Maybe Bob Larson will run across this blog and find himself rejuvenated, take on Dimmu Borgir and provide future metalheads with some quality radio.

I discovered Metallica during my middle school years when “And Justice for All…” came out. Their sounds came to me courtesy of a dubbed cassette, and yes, I bought the real deal shortly afterwards in order to have a better recording. They were my introduction to speed metal, and I began a torrid affair with the genre. Their sound was a perfect soundtrack to the angry teenage years and led me into other underground genres such as punk. As with the other Metallica fans at the time, I was extremely excited when their black album came out. I ran down to Saraland’s first and only movie/music/book store (for real, they had one in Saraland and a quite impressive one at that) and picked up my first taste in the form of a cassette single of “Enter Sandman” (”Stone Cold Crazy” on the B-side). Excitement grew as I heard the first hiss of the track beginning, and what came next was one of the biggest disappointments of my life. Metallica had sold-out and sold-out hard with a new less than intense mainstream metal that was actually radio friendly. In my mind and the minds of others, Metallica wasn’t supposed to be friendly in any way.

When they pulled through Mobile later, the situation became worse. One of the snottiest cheerleaders at my high school school prissed through the halls, “Like, omigod! I’ve got like front row tickets to Metallica! I’m gonna dress up like such a metalhead and headbang!” On the night of the concert, we caught her on the jumbotron front and center singing “Seek and Destroy” with frontman James Hetfield only because he prompted her with the words. This was quite a slap in the face for me and my companions, and we hung up our Pushead shirts for good. It took many of their fans a little while to come to the realization that Metallica had followed in the footsteps of bands such as Aerosmith and decided to go soft, but a good chunk of them entered a state of permanent denial that their beloved band hadn’t gone soft. I have nothing against this breed of Metallica fan, and about 99% would agree with me. Metallica had betrayed all that anger that they I had previously relished.

Fast forward a couple of years to the days when Lollapalooza was a festival that actually toured. It was a new age Woodstock engulfed in art, politics, and alternative bands back when alternative ruled the radio. I was fortunate enough to make it for Lollapalooza 94 when the Beastie Boys and Smashing Pumpkins headlined with bands like L7 and The Breeders providing support. 95 kept with tradition with Sonic Youth, Beck, and The Jesus Lizard on the line-up. However, Lollapalooza 96 marked the beginning of the end of the festival. Palooza had built a reputation of featuring the most premiere alternative, eclectic, underground acts on the scene. I won’t go into all the line-ups, but they could be considered a who’s who of the bands that made the 90s wonderful. When 96 came along, there were still a few big names like Rage Against the Machine, The Ramones, and The Violent Femmes, but it was a definite “One of these things is not like the other” situation with Metallica as the muy grande , be-all end-all headliner. After 97, Lollapalooza went into a six-year hiatus, and it hasn’t really been the same since.

Next, there was the whole Napster thing. Sure, music piracy is highly illegal, but why did Metallica have to get so involved and die hard about this? This was a band that established this rebellious outlaw image for themselves, and here they were suing (which is such a shitty move) a bunch of rebellious outlaws. My mind always goes back to the South Park that covered this. I still picture drummer Lars Ulrich weeping bitterly because he will have to wait a few more weeks for his gold-plated shark tank bar because someone downloaded their music. Were they really hurting that bad financially at a time when they hadn’t even put out anything? Hell, the spark for this legal fire was over a song found on the Mission: Impossible II Soundtrack, and we know what fine cinema this was. Were they trying to recuperate finances lost on that piece of work? Either way, they should have said their piece and let Dr. Dre take care of spearheading the whole Napster lawsuit. It is the rap industry that is suffering so much from music piracy that their sales have dropped completely, and many of the labels are having to go back to the drawing board.

Now, it’s Bonnaroo 2008, and Metallica is once again the be-all, end-all, muy grande headliner of an iconic music festivals. Bonnaroo received some criticism last year for steering away from the jam scene that had built this festival, but the rock acts like the White Stripes, Wolfmother, and even TOOL were eclectic on a certain level. Putting Metallica on the bill is really saying something to the Roo Crew. I can already make an extremely educated guess and predict that the Roo Society will be different. With the exception of one, I have gone to Bonnaroo with the same rag tag team of rock and roll gypsies. Last year, our running joke was that 2007 was the year that the shit would hit the fan. By that, we were meaning another Altamont or Woodstock 99. We expected the whole festival to plunge into a apocalyptic/Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome at any second, and we had already taken a group vote to trade off one of our own (Abner, our Roo Sherpa) as a sex slave for any weapons we could get for him. We then began a debate as to what band’s fans could make this event happen. It was a unanimous decision: Metallica. So, is Superfly Entertainment trying to wrap up Roo, or are they wanting to change the social thermostat to an unsafe level? I’m really anxious to see what’s going to happen with this, and I’m also curious to see if my theory that Metallica is a music industry coffin nail. And yes, I am planning on making another trek to Roo and blogging the phenomenon. I picture myself being some kind of broke-ass Dan Rather wading through the violent masses. Actually when I think about it, it will probably be more like Wayne Gale from “Natural Born Killers.”

“The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There’s also a negative side.”

Hunter S. Thompson

Thompson wasn’t exaggerating when he made this statement. Most music fans happily exist behind a veil created by publicists that shields any of the negative aspects of the music industry. This is all fine and dandy as far as music fans are concerned, but aspiring musicians fall victim to this image and journey into the darkness of the music industry with no knowledge of its true nature. If there’s one rule that an individual going into ANY aspect (from journalism to performing) of the industry should follow, then it has TRUST NO ONE! This is hard mantra to follow, for everyone is waiting for their “big break,” and there’s lots of assholes out there who are ready to pitch you any line they can come up with in order to put money in their pocket. The music business is just that: a business. There are very few out there doing it for the music. As those few make up a rung or two on the ladder, their priorities tend to be warped or changed completely by “The Business.”

Before you think I’m being cliche, I don’t think you know how outrageous this can be. People will lie to you at the drop of a hat and think nothing of it. It seems to get so melded into their personalities that it seems only natural to them to lie every chance that they get and over things that have nothing to do with business. You can be on the phone with some industry figure, and ask, “Hey, what color car are you driving?” to which they will answer, “Red” even though the car is blue. Yes, they will lie to you about something as insignificant as their car color. It’s for this reason that the recent debacle with Maxim Magazine is not surprising.

In case you haven’t heard, a Maxim review recently gave The Black Crowes’ latest release “Warpaint” an extremely negative review (2 out of 4 or 5 stars, I can’t remember). The only problem is that a full copy of “Warpaint” had yet to be released even to the press. The reviewer based his review on the one song (”Goodbye Daughters of the Revolution”) the band had posted on their website. As I stated before, a situation like this is not surprising. What is surprising is that Maxim actually thought that they could get away with making what has been called an “educated guess.” Then, the finger pointing started with Crowes manager Pete Angelus calling Maxim out and the reviewer (David Peisner) told the LA Times that he had never claimed to have listen to the entire record. He was asked to write a “preview” (not a review) and never knew from where the rating came even though he made disparaging remarks about the band and their album, which really isn’t very kosher in a preview.Maxim ended up apologizing for writing a bullshit review only after being called out by Angelus. Rapper Nas has also claimed to fall victim to Maxim claiming that they same thing happened to him.

My brother and I are both raving Crowes fans, and we were discussing the motivation for doing something like this. I know Maxim is just the Skinamax version of Playboy, but even Playboy has been lauded as having some sort of journalistic substance. My brother’s opinion was that the industry was turning against them due to the Robinson Brothers’ contrary and flakey attitude. Basically, the industry was trying to get rid of a problem. I didn’t think much about this until I read a recent interview with Angelus on Entertainment Weekly’s website (http://www.ew.com/ew/article/0,,20181485,00.html).

In my opinion, EW was totally trying to take up for Maxim in a very passive way that gave the impression that it was the Crowes’ fault for not allowing Maxim to listen to the entire CD. To me, EW seemed to take a “What’s the big deal?” attitude with their questions as well as the good ol’ “Bad publicity is still publicity” philosophy. Even with EW trying to snare Angelus, he remained strong stating that it really wasn’t the review that set him off, and insinuated that nothing would have been said if it had been positive. The concern for Angelus was that Maxim had supposedly gotten their hands on an album that had only been accessible to specific periodicals who were invited to listen to the album on an online stream (Maxim wasn’t on the list). Angelus gave the impression that he was trying to track down where Maxim had gotten the album and discovered everything else in the process.

So, what the hell was Maxim thinking? I’m not surprised that they lied, but I am surprise that they actually thought that they could pull this one off. I’ve dealt with enough publicists to know that they keep informed with what people are saying about their clients. That’s kind of a key part of their occupation. So, what made them think that they could get away with something like this? Was this retaliation for not being on the list for a preview of this album? Or is the media really turning against The Black Crowes?

Discuss amongst yourselves…